A consolation for workplace conflict

First of all, thank you so much to everyone who read, tweeted and commented on my first ever blog post! It was very nerve-wracking to put my thoughts out into the world for the first time, so thank you for being gentle with me.

Over the long weekend, I have reflected on my post and am keen to offer some words of encouragement and consolation to colleagues who are currently dealing with workplace conflict. Perhaps you are going through a grievance process with an employee, who really does feel "vexatious", or perhaps you are an employee struggling with an employer, who doesn't respect you. In either case, it can be really hard to rise above it- the challenge is a very real one and can make or break a business or career.

Those who read my first post will know, I like to tell stories. However, it doesn't feel appropriate to use a public forum to tell stories about specific workplace examples (even without naming them). So if you bear with me, I will tell another, slightly tangential story, where, I feel, the lessons I learned are applicable here.

Back in 2007, I lived in Hackney and worked near the City. I used to enjoy walking to work each day to avoid the crowds and get some 'fresh' air.  Although it took an hour each way, it worked really well for me.

Until the day, I was shot at.

Luckily, only with an air rifle.

I felt the pellet hit me in the back and reached round to check for blood. Seeing none, I continued on my way, walking a further 50 minutes to my office, before realising that the Police might be interested in knowing about it.

When I reported it at the Police station near my office, it transpired that another person had been shot 15 minutes after me. They took it very seriously- it was a "firearms incident" after all. The kind of thing that gets put on a yellow board, calling for witnesses. I was given a lecture about the importance of calling 999 and sent to the local hospital for an assessment of my injuries.

The police officer who took my statement thought it was most likely a gang initiation dare. But we never found out who did it or why. The police had very little to go on.

So what lessons does this have for us in HR?

1. The power of denial: The same human reaction that told me to just keep walking that day, keeps line managers and employees from raising concerns until they have escalated and the relationship has deteriorated. As a relative newcomer to the world of professional HR, I have  noticed that the key complaint of HR managers about line managers is just this. However, I can completely understand how this happens, especially for managers with large teams. And I feel there is something more than a policy or procedure, that is needed to mitigate this, which brings me to...
2. The power of people: The element of the story that has had the most lasting impact on me was knowing that someone else was shot after me. Knowing that letting it go impacted on someone else's safety, not just my own, is a much more powerful motivator to change my behaviour in the future. I think there is much we can do to capitalise on this concern for others when writing and implementing our polices. Spell out the human consequences.
3. Sometimes there is no justice or satisfactory resolution: I'm sure my parents were not the only ones who said "life isn't always fair". Sometimes there is nothing you can do, or could have done, to resolve the conflict you find yourself in. You can only console yourself with the thought that: when a person hurts others, they mostly hurt themselves. Maybe not directly. It is fairly unlikely that the person who pulled the trigger that day ended up getting shot him or herself (at least I hope not). But they did set a pathway for themselves, that makes it more likely that others will hurt them in the future. The long term outcomes for people who commit crimes make this clear. And so, applied to the workplace context, that "vexatious" employee or disrespectful employer is likely to continue to have the same problems with their next manager or employee.

But that manager or employee won't be you, because you will learnt from the experience and understand how far the fault lies with you. You will forgive them and yourself and move on to "fail better" in the future, as Samuel Beckett would say.